Release. You have what you need.
- Amy Rush
- Sep 9
- 5 min read
Today is 9.9.9. (The ninth day of the ninth month of 2025, which is 2+2+5=9.)
Today, people who are into numbers (which is me — but only if they are countable on two hands) are releasing, shedding, and letting go of old patterns, outdated beliefs, and stale energy that no longer serves them. It's a “portal day," inviting us to intentionally recalibrate how we show up in the world as we move forward in it. I mean, every day is a portal day, but these magically sequenced ones serve as an especially enticing invitation to welcome change. Sign me up.
I took my morning walk to the cemetery down the street from our house with this 9.9.9 thing in mind. What could I release, I asked myself? Moments later, I found a bunch of feathers “released” from a bird who recently met its end/new beginning, and because I’m always picking up treasures like these, the feathers came with me.
Minutes later, I stopped at my father-in-law’s grave and pondered our relationship. Yes, it was one of great love but, wow, was it tense at times, especially when disease-related cognitive decline took intractable hold of him. (The most recent nickname he gave me was “She Devil.” lol)
Although lacking a formal marker (coming soon!), his grave was marked with deer poop. A lifelong, obsessive hunter, I have no doubt that he was THRILLED by this visitation. I chuckled out loud. And then for the first time since he passed, I made an offering to him. A peace offering — my handful of feathers, which I planted in the ground right next to the poop. It felt really good to leave them there. Really good.
As I texted my husband this story and the poop photo, it occurred to me once again, for the gazillionth time in the many years since my dad passed — “Gosh, I wish I had a place like this to ‘go’ for Dad.” (I’m really good at taking care of my clients’ needs this way and not my own.) I don’t have any of my dad’s cremains, and there is no burial or scatter site that I am aware of.
And then, before I could even think of pivoting to frustration or resentment (or worse), I remembered:
YOU DON’T NEED CREMAINS (or any other remains, for that matter).
YOU DON’T NEED A GRAVE.
YOU DON’T NEED A HEADSTONE. OR A CEMETERY.
YOU DON’T NEED ANYTHING. EVER.
CREATE WHAT YOU CRAVE.
YOU ALREADY HAVE ALL THAT YOU NEED TO DO SO.
INTENTION IS ALL THAT’S REQUIRED.
FOCUS, SQUIRT. FOCUS.
(He called me Squirt. Now you know. lol)
With every step away from my father-in-law’s grave and back towards our house, a revelation:
I know the place — under the majestic pines that line our side yard to the west. My dad loved cedar, cypress, and sequoia trees. Planted them everywhere and gave away seedlings to everyone he loved. No doubt he’d love these too.
I know the marker — because who needs an official gravestone when you collect rocks (more treasures!) like I do. Our house is littered with piles of rocks, mostly fragments of ancient stone tools I find while “arrowhead hunting” the way my dad taught me to more than four decades ago.
I know what I’d bury there — not cremains but all the wishes, longings, and lamentations of the past, those based in perceptions of lack and need, those that assume we need something or someone else to do our important work for us.
So as soon as I took our dog Willie off his leash, I gathered the three piles of stone tool fragments that I collected this summer and practically ran to our side-yard pines. With the help of some pinecones and another bird who had recently met its end/new beginning (same species as the one at the cemetery, by the way!), I chose a place and made a marker.
Oh Dad, look at THIS magic! THIS is you! And me!
I know he sees it and loves it. So do I.
Never forget that you are a sovereign being in full control of your life, your energy, your spirit, your narrative, your choices — all of it. They are yours. You "need" nothing this way. You have everything it takes. And then some.
Focus on these truths and make beauty from them.
Best practices for compassionate care
My phone rings, a text message dings, or an email labeled “Urgent” hits my inbox:
“My husband/grandmother/dear friend/etc. is starting hospice.
I don’t know what to do, and I really want to help.
What do I do???
How can I help???”
I am asked more frequently for this advice than perhaps any other support and guidance that I offer. So now I’m sharing it in a Zoom class, making it easily accessible and giving you a chance to ask me questions while we are together.
This class is relevant for human beings at any stage of life (as death is part of life!), but these people in particular will certainly benefit:
You are supporting a loved one who is navigating a terminal disease and/or receiving palliative or hospice care.
YOU are navigating your own terminal disease and/or dying processes.
You are good friends with someone who is navigating the end of life, and you want to be an even better friend to them during this tender stage. (You’re a good enough friend already, trust me… I’ll just help you shore up your goodness with some action items.)
I’ll cover my best, favorite practices for infusing these tender stages of life with greater comfort, ease, and peace. You will hear me discuss…
what hospice is, exactly, and how it functions
logistical/physical considerations for enhancing hospice and the dying’s experience of it
the social/emotional needs of the dying and gentle ways to address them
how to recognize and hold space for the spiritual evolution that’s taking place as well
body disposition and end-of-life ritual choices (i.e. burial and funeral choices) that are worth discussing earlier rather than later
Yes, each of these bullet points is a class unto itself, so the content will stay high-level, and I’ll cover each of them broadly. But that’s the takeaway: You get a full, holistic picture of the most common needs of the dying and therefore how YOU really can help them (and yourself!) during this precious time.
The class will run about an hour, and then I’ll stick around for another 30 minutes or so for questions.
All participants will receive a link to the recording of the class, so if you can’t or don’t want to join live, you can watch it at your leisure.
See you on Oct. 22!
Certified Death Doula, Medium, and Ordained Minister
Featured in lead story of St. Louis Post-Dispatch
